I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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