I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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