3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize