Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
