She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
