Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
