Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize