if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
