There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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