I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
