You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
