Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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