I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize