It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
