I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
