wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
