1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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