sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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