I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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