T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You've changed since you got that strap on
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
