The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Randomize
