He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
