she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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