I cannot find my penis.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
