ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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