I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
