so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
