based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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