I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
