i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
