She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
