I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
