What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
