Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
