last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
