What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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