My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
