brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
