She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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