Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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