Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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