Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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