dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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