I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
