her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
