I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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