my phone needs a breathalizer
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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