I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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