Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
