im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
