I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize