That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
