my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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