FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
