I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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