Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
