you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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